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I agree with the colleagues that it is too much text. However, if you go for verbosity, the text should be more concise and really compelling and able to sell your services (and your person). I. e. the copy should pack more punch. I agree with the colleagues that recommend to add a picture.
Something I recall from a copywriter's blog: it's okay to be a verbose copywriter, those are needed too, but it's a different job. The one guy does ad campaigns, the other writes manuals. You're generally better off playing to your strengths than trying to be someone else, but you need to know yourself and know what you are doing.
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